White Lily
by Mari Grem
Summary: Lily Evans lost her virginity to Sirius Black. And neither of them has regretted it since.


Title: White Lily  
Fandom: Harry Potter  
Timeframe: Marauder Era  
HBP Compliant: Yes/no reference made  
Pairing: Sirius/Lily  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Lily Evans lost her virginity to Sirius Black. And neither of them has regretted it since.

* * *

She's frightened and scared and he laughs in her face because she trips on the first step while getting into the train. Her head whips around so fast it's disturbing and she gives him a look that could freeze blood in veins. He thinks it was that moment that he fell in love with her.

He's heartbroken and crying in the commonroom and she's the only one awake. It's Christmas Day at two am and neither of them could sleep through the night. "They don't fucking love me anymore," he screams, and she thanks Merlin that the Gryffindor Tower is empty for the Holidays. She wants to tell him that she understands, but her parents still love her. Instead, she just hugs him tighter and hopes he'll calm down before James returns.

She's an insufferable know-it-all, but he still makes better marks that she could ever dream of having. She's up until the early morning hours studying Ancient Runes and practicing Charms. She tries to be quiet, she's not spiteful enough to make the entire dorm lose sleep just because of him, but somehow he knows when she's up practicing and comes down to help her out. She resented it at first, but now she loves that way he stands behind her and clasps his hand over hers while showing her a spell. She also wonders if he ever sleeps.

She finds out in Fourth Year that he doesn't. Not until his body is so warn down that he knows he won't have any nightmares that night. Instead he stays in the kitchens until three am before stopping by Slytherin dorms to check on his baby brother and Narcissa. She kind of resents the fact that he still loves them, even after all they did, while he doesn't love her, even though she's always been there for him.

It is right after OWLs that she finds out she was wrong. They are behind a tree, with James out of sight and Remus fast asleep while Peter hums tunelessly to himself on the other side of the pond. He pulls her flush against him and forces their lips together. It's a whirlwind of emotions being poured into a single kiss and neither of them wants it to end. He pulls away first, being short of breath and heaving hard, she doesn't have any breath left to catch, he took it all away.

He meets her in London in August that summer, while James and his parents go on a trip to Sweden. He tells them he's going to see Andromeda, but he's pretty sure James knew he was lying. Not that it mattered; James would never guess what's going on, anyway. She holds his hand as they browse the shops and she points out all the muggle things he never understood. He buys her fish and chips and smiles when she says it makes her feel like 'A bloody American tourist." Because she never curses, except for when she means it. She eats the food anyway, if only because he bought it for her.

He doesn't want whatever it is they have to continue into Sixth Year because he's afraid of hurting James. However, when she goes to the Quidditch match in October, he knows it's for him, not because James asked her to. When he hugs her goodnight they both know he holds on a little too long for it to be completely platonic. For four months they act as if nothing is going on, and then Christmas comes.

She doesn't go home this time, for the first time since Second Year. Her sister's on her Honeymoon and her parents went to Rome. He thinks she might be bitter because of it, but she doesn't act like she is. James goes home to see his parents and Sirius promises to meet him there for New Years Day, but there's something about the almost-empty castle that he loves too much to pass up.

They're lying on the floor of the commonroom drinking hot chocolate brought up form the kitchens and having a tickle fight. He tries to keep her pinned but she flips him over so she's on top. She rubs against him, knowing how it will affect him, and then leans down to his ear.

"I want you to be the first person to fuck me," she whispers, drawing her tongue down his jaw line and causing him to moan. He knows he should say no; say that she belongs with James. But she's already positive he wants it, and he can't really deny physical evidence, so he takes her. Right there, on Christmas Eve in the Gryffindor commonrooms, Lily Evans lost her virginity to Sirius Black. And neither of them has regretted it since.

But he still let James have her in the end. Because, it's like, they could have _forever_ and he just wasn't good enough for her. He walks her down the aisle at her wedding because her father's dead and buried since the beginning of Seventh Year, and she didn't have anyone else she loved as much as him. He hands her off to James with a smile and a warning, "If you ever hurt her, mate, just remember that I love her as much as I love you." James smiles and nods, looking into her eyes as if he were on top of the world. She can't help but look away, look at Sirius' retreating frame as he goes to take his seat.

She's in St. Mungo's giving birth to their first child. It's been a thirty-six hour labor so far and James is fast asleep. Remus and Peter are curled up in separate hospital beds and even the mediwitch on duty has dozed off. However, Sirius is still at her side, holding her hand and telling her it'll be alright. She's laughing and crying and a complete mess, but he thinks she's never looked more beautiful. He's taken off guard when she whispers, "He should have been yours," and almost blanches when she names him Godfather. He brushes her hair from her sweaty face and kisses her, long and good. It's their last shared kiss.

She's dead now, cold, pale, and lifeless in this rubble of what once was the Potter home. He's clasping on to baby Harry like he's the last person on earth, and he is, because no one else matters except for her, James, and Harry. Hagrid arrives and asks to take the baby away. Sirius allows the giant to take the only thing left of Lily's and then offers up the motorbike she had bought him on his sixteenth birthday. Hagrid knows he's crying, but the giant remains quiet and flies off into the moonlight. Sirius feels betrayed, but he feels more guilty than anything else.

It's the one thing that will at least partially justify the situation, but Peter's already aiming his wand at his head. Sirius laughs, that loud barking laugh he always had, only know it's much more bitter. "You're too weak to kill yourself, you bastard," he stated, his eyes wild and his hair flying rampant in the wind, "I loved her, you bloody bastard, and you took her from me." But Peter didn't hear him, he was already gone.

He doesn't care now. He doesn't care about anyone or anything except for finding Harry and raising him as his own. Some nights, when the Dementors don't haunt his hallway, he can almost see Lily's face, smiling at him as he tucks lilies in her hair. It's those nights that keep him alive, keep him sane. Even though his cousin is screaming two cells down, even though Remus hasn't visited, ever, he's remained sane.

He only wishes he had told her he loved her, he wanted her, he couldn't ever let her go. But he's pretty sure he knows that, especially when he finds a sole, white lily floating on the water as he swims across the Baltic Sea.


End file.
